Hamburger(Hotdog)

So a 'bowab' is basically your door guy, maintenance man, and all around go to guy. Most of the time they are pretty cool and it's important to maintain a good relationship with them if you want to have any guests over. The place we are house sitting has a creepy bowab with poor manners and a terrible disposition.
The landlady recently decided that she wanted to replace the old, busted refrigerator with 2 old busted refrigerators. The problem is that someone has to be here when the refrigerator guy gets here and the bowab can't be trusted. So after a day of Francesca waiting around and no refrigerator guy, we arrive at the apartment at 3am to find 2 fridges outside our front door.
The next morning at 830am the bowab is banging on the door. I ignore it and it happens for the next few hours until dave finally answers it at 1130am. This is where it gets funny. They spend an hour trying to figure out how to get it into the kitchen. Dave and I both know all you have to do is take the doors off the fridge and voila! Instead we are treated to a live action marx brothers comedy. The bowab and some random guy with tools decide to take the entire door frame off and then see if it fits, all without measuring anything. This then becomes a construction project with plaster dust everywhere. At one point we have 3 refrigerators in the house and decide to do a photoshoot with Franzo while she is trying to explain to the guys why they are responsible for cleaning up the mess. The entire thing lasted 4+ hours and all they had to do was take the door off the fridge.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimifoster/sets/72157606467564821/

Sat July 26th

Yesterday morning we met up with Francesca who had socially engineered us an invite to her friends' beach house up on the northern coast. We took a cab over to her friend, George's place and ordered some breakfast. George is the son of wealthy steel farmers or something, I can't remember. Anyway, he's egyptian, as is his brother Paul, but they were schooled in England so they have strong english accents. At first Dave and I were really uncomfortable in his apartment because it seemed way too nice. I assume its about as nice as you can get in Cairo, with a view that over looks the entire city from the 14th floor penthouse wrap around windows. It also always seems like people with english accents are talking down to you because they sound so foppish by nature. Fortunately, it turns out that George is a good guy and he likes jokes/fun. It took a long time to get his brother out of bed and that time involved his parents (who live across the hall) coming over and yelling at him in arabic. This was all a lot to handle early in the morning.
Regardless, we loaded up and drove to the northern coast, which is about 30 km west of Alexandria on the Mediterranian sea. Shockingly beautiful is a strong understatement. The water is so blue that it makes the sky look like faded, washed out towel. (That was Francesa's simile btw).
On the last night there I was able to lay by myself on the beach and watch the clouds in the night sky. I was listening to some new Sigur Ros, which seemed to go perfectly with the speed of the clouds and the shooting stars. Sometimes you're given the encouragement that you're on the right path right when you need it. Sometimes life is so beautiful that you know you don't deserve it, but you'll take what you can get, and what I got was awesome.

Driver exceeds 140 kmph
Guy sitting in a chair with nothing around for a mile
Sheep having sex
Bedouin selling hash
Near death experience
Car made within the last decade
Minivan with 14+ people
Car driving the wrong way on the highway w/ lights on
Car driving the wrong way on the highway w/ lights off
Man on motorcycle in the back of pickup truck
Vehicle towing another vehicle with 4+ people in each vehicle
Arabic 'Calvin Stickers'

Please quit being so fickle and slow.
I have so many great pictures, but I cannot upload them. I set it up to upload 39 pictures overnight and it got 4 done. Oh well, this will be text only until I can figure something out. I'll still try to catch up on the posts now that I've resigned to just text. I have to go to some dinner party or whatever but I will say that all is good here. Stressful, hectic, loud, etc, but good. I've eaten a lot of good food and met a lot of good people, who could ask for more?
Also - its mango season. If you think you've had a good mango before you're a fool. These might be classified as super mangoes and I eat 3-4 in a sitting. Here's the other crazy thing - i'm not a huge fan of mangoes normally. To compliment the mangoes, the jasmine trees are in bloom and smell great.
Dave and I fell into a house sitting gig so we have a free place to stay, we just have to feed 2 crazy cats every day.
Everything works out and we're having a great time. When I have more time to post I'll fill you in on the details.
Love Jimi

So I wake up with a rather strong desire to go 'pee pee'. On two hours of sleep I'm still very confused as to where I am and who these people are in the room. It was a 8 person slumber party, but Dave was in a weird scene on the futon pad dragged onto the floor. There was this guy trying to hook up with one of the girls and I guess she wasn't having any of that. Either way, dave slept with them on the futon pad widthways style which meant that his feet got a terrible nights sleep. I woke up in my underwear and looking for a bathroom. Dave woke up at my stirring about and then started to go back to sleep. I thought it would be funny to stuff a t shirt and a pair of socks in front of the blue american apparel briefs i'm wearing and hope that he wakes back up as I look for the bathroom. Apparently, the bathroom is in someone else's room and I don't know this, so I look everywhere. Everywhere somehow included me almost pulling a giant piece of plywood down onto me (I guess I thought they hid the bathroom behind some paneling). Anyway, just take a second to pretend you are any of the other people in the room that I don't know and imagine if you woke up to that.
So I try to gather some troops to attempt breakfast at 9am at the little grille. Total success and we get to dine with Ward/Kate and company. We make plans to go to a swimming hole and get it right/tight later. Then we head over to 'Cally's' and I get a bloody mary. Dave and I hang out for a bit and head back to Mike K's to find him starting to wake up. We bro down for a bit, text up a swimmin hole rolling crew and try to take a nap. No dice on the nap, but we did get to see some awesome old pictures Mike had of old duke dogs looking young. There was one of me painting a topless Nate with condiments, in the main dining (d) hall.
The swimming hole had a rope swing that was just dangerous enough to be super fun. After a while we got some thai food super early dinner style and went back to take naps. Instead of napping we ended up watching Wet Hot American Summer with the 'Extra Farts' Commentary.
Oh yeah, here's some weird things - the last place we went was The Nile, which Harper pointed out, is where Dave and I are going. Then almost immediately after that, the bartender plays Real Talk! I got way too excited and we were asked to leave.
The rest of the night was so calm and so fun, Dave and I are still reeling from it. If a day is defined not by the passing of 24 hours, but by the period in between 6+ hours of sleep, then Dave and I might have had one of our best days of our lives.
Sincere thanks especially to Celia, Suzi, and Megan for entertaining Dave and me. I know we couldn't have been easy to handle in our sleep deprived state, you made the best of it and we are very grateful.

1. you can't. you just can't. That's ok though because if you look out your window to your left you can see the sun starting to rise over Dublin.
2. If you really must try, start by taking off your shoes. It feels good, but don't do it if you got that sour foot and don't take your comfort too far. You dropped good money on this ticket and I'll be damned if you're going to ruin it by wearing those mustard stained heather grey sweatpants. put on some linen dress slacks and look sharp. Don't forget to install that braid in the back of your hair with a shark's tooth at the end, that will ward off any unwanted conversationalists. Unless you're sitting next to captain ron or jimmy buffett then you should forego the sharks tooth.
3. Build a fort. if you ask each steward for a blanket you will soon have amassed a rather large collection to construct a fort with. This will give you enough privacy for you to take your shirt off.

Dear Parents of the screaming child,
Please quit putting out your cigarettes on that kid's face, that sound is terrible.
Also, please tell the parents in aisle 46 that their kids dvd player does not have headphones plugged in and no one else needs to hear Elmo on full blast.

Thank you,
Jimi

Right now I am listening to Group Inerane. This flight has given me a perfect opportunity to explore music I usually don't have time to digest.
Back to the stories.
We arrived in Harrisonburg later than expected and met up with Ward and Kate at Clementine on Main St. It's a nice place, moderately fancy but relaxed and with a bathroom that's nicer than any New York apartment I've ever seen. After a couple drinks we decide to move on, but not before Ward approached the Assistant coach of the womens college basketball team and talked her into a late night basketball game.
We decided to go to The Nile, which is a fairly new establishment downtown and a nice, dark, underground bar with plenty of space to move around it. This is also where our gracious host, Mike K. works. I really enjoyed the entire scene and we met some new friends with whom discussed the finer parts of the R. Kelly trial and Real Talk.
We then went to an after party at someones house where some Indian girl gave me the business just for existing. It was pretty jarring given how laid back eveyone had been up until that point. Somehow Mike K. saved the day and I got stuck talking to some guy who had been to 83 Grateful Dead shows. I eventually told him that I had just heard some jerk say that the Grateful Dead and phish were no talent bar bands that became famous for no good reason and you had to be heavily intoxicated to even come close to enjoying it. I never told him that that person was me. On a related side note, Dave is still wearing patchouli, and it's not for the sake of ironic comedy.
I then expressed an interest in playing ghost in the graveyard in an actual graveyard, so after the bar, that's what we did. Dave and I were really happy that even during the slowest time of the year for harrisonburg there were still quality people that wanted to have fun. Dave laid on top of a crypt instead of looking for 'the ghost' and looked at the stars while taking in all that dog food aroma that is harrisonburg. We then ended up crashing with the new friends and making jokes til the sun came up. Even though in my mind we were hysterical I can only assume we were mildly funny, really tired, and moderately annoying.
Speaking of annoying, how long does it take to read a newspaper? I know it's in German so it would take me a really long time, but he knows that language. Just so we got this straight, this guy is upset because I'm using a seat that is not mine because he wants 3 more seats that are not his. He wants me to be cramped into a seat in between people so he can stretch out over 4 seats.
Life is suffering and that suffering is a result of our wants.
Maybe if he wanted less seats he'd be happier. (see previous post for picture)

I guess I'll start from the most recent and work my way backwards.
Right now I am listening to African Scream Contest. I recommend it if you like James Brown and kickin' ass.
On the 21st Dave and I had a nice dinner with friends at Mandalay outside of DC. Dave's parents came and Les and company had some choice inappropriate comments by accident. Matt H. was there to give me last minute tips, although most of them revolved around the concept of neck pillows and the textures of fruit. Meanwhile Les brought up the concept of bondage pants and Houton explained the conspiracy theory of Coke original formula and the introduction of New coke. I ate a delicious green tea salad (right now Dave is eating another one of our homemade treats...and me too) and some tofu dish, followed by two desserts.
This morning I had a pot of jasmine pearl tea, my personal favorite of the greens.
This turned into a food post, I'm bailing.

So I typed up a bunch of posts on the plane and I'll be uploading they throughout the day as I can edit and link up things/stuff.
First one:

I am aboard the flight from DC to Germany right now. I made some baked goods for the flight and dave and I are comfortable and hungry for adventure (and nerds rope). I'm listening to Brazil 70 after tropicalia, which is pretty amazing so far. South America is like a giant middle finger on the globe cursing me for not knowing it more intimately. One day.
I'm doing my best to remember everything I have to post right now. Unfortunately the note I made to myself is on the internet, which despite being ethereal in nature is not at this altitude, nor in nature.
Oh, and the man next to me is pissed because he thought he had a whole row to himself and I took one of the seats so dave and I could chillax to the medium. When I say 'pissed' I mean he is a german doogie howser reading a newspaper in an almost violent way, and he has already confronted me about it and spoken to the stewardess about it. This may get really good.
Speaking of good, I think Dave and I have fell into an appreciation hole. I firmly believe that we suffer so that we might become a deeper vessel for joy, but I seriously can't remember suffer enough in my life to deserve the happiness that dave and I are experiencing. When I made my schedule for the last couple of months in America I looked and it and I thought it was going to be way too much. The great thing is: it was.

Hours of Sleep broken down by night:
Thursday - 5 hours due to dancing too hard
Friday - 5 hours due to Mekongs/Richmond friends/Hot Tub
Sat - 2 hours due to Ghost in the graveyard (in a graveyard), new friends, sparks, early breakfast
Sunday - 4 hours due to more fun with new friends

Right now it is 6 am Tuesday morning. I just woke up after going to bed at 1am. I cannot go back to sleep. I have underwear on my head to block the light. I lost a contact so I'm typing with one eye closed. Please just try to imagine what this looks like.

Riding around on motorcycles meeting new people and having lots of real life fun is not conducive to posting cyber life blogs. I am sorry and my plan is to post everything that happened over the past week on the airplane tomorrow via a zombie blog program.
I am sunburned. I am sleep deprived. I am exhausted on every level. I am stressed about what I might have forgotten to do before I leave the country.
I am full of delicious burmese food. I am surrounded by friends. I am about to embark on the next chapter of my life. I couldn't be more excited/scared.
I love my life.

Hello friends, this is Dave guest blogging while Jimi goes to Lowe's to pick up a new grill. I just wanted to post a few animated pictures for you to enjoy and to tide you over until Jimi gets back on the storytelling wagon. These 2 pictures are from tubin weekend in West Virginia. The first is Drew Good getting that wet beard, and the second is Jimi digging himself into a laugh hole. Enjoy!

That's how I've felt while being at my parents house. Not in a bad way, just in a dave-sleeps-in-my-room-on-a-mattress-on-the-floor-and-drinks-michelob-lights-while-playing-nintendo-and-saying-swear-words-kind-of-way. So tonight I am sitting here eating pie and ice cream and watching him play mario kart on the wii. Anyway, so dave just kind of lost it while playing and I said, 'quit wigging out' and he said, 'I'm going to get wiggered out'. I about lost it. Then he started talking about how the term 'wigger' came from just losing your mind sometimes. For me, that time was 7th grade...I wouldn't suggest wigging out to anyone out there. There's a lot of drama, and a lot of heartache and those roads are not for us. I say we just play. I say we just lay here, chillax and drink some 'lobes.

Motorcycle (mis)adventures
M. Hall's treatise on drugs and motorcycles in popular american culture
Cabin trip in west va
Saw V or Hot Potato the movie
Life's a beach in va beach, eating a peach
Pics from all of the above

so stay tuned for all of those. Once i get some down time I'll start writing.

Also, July 18th come to Mekong's at 8pm for a dinner celebration. Just give me a heads up that you're coming so I can call ahead.

Cute British men

Last night I had one of those nights where I just kept having really weird dreams. The last one of which involved Colin Firth. We only hugged, but it was lovely--I felt very safe. It was a very fatherly-type embrace. Maybe I've just seen too many commercials for Mamma Mia!? Anyway, I woke up just completely disoriented. Like, stumbling around the apartment, as those drunk, disoriented. It was bizarre.

Can't complain about dreaming of Colin Firth, though.

So I was surfin' up the net while dave took a nap with ethan and found this:

Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.
If you don't already know, I have a mild obsession with NPH and I'm really excited about this. The site is down due to heavy traffic but you should be able to see all three episodes between now and 7/20.

Sorry I haven't been able to post. I went from having the internets and cell phone connected to me through an intense neural network 8-12 hours a day to nothing for the last few days. It's been pretty amazing. We all went to a cabin in West Virginia for the weekend and can you believe they didn't have a wireless signal?!? Anyway, I am going to the mall with my super adorable nephew 'cool ethan' and dave and I are going to try to find some 'talent' on their lunch breaks if you know what I'm saying...also, I need shoes and a jacket for riding the wild hogs. I'll blog later when I get my computer back.

After a full day/week of packing, loading, running errands, cleaning, etc. I finally get to rest at Emerson house. I am pretty confident that everything is taken care of, and all the important i's and t's are respectively dotted and crossed. I think that the motorcycle trip tomorrow will be perfect for clearing my mind and getting prepared for this weekend.
Dave and I just watched Intolerable Cruelty tonight for the first time. I admit the only appeal was the fact that it's a Cohen brothers film. Despite the fact that it is a rom/com, I was impressed and recommend it if you've never seen it.
I'm lying on the futon typing out a late post, staring at my suitcase. My possessions now fill a suitcase and one messenger bag. It's a really great feeling. Last time I left behind a house, furniture, electronics, etc...now I just leave behind some of the best friends and family anyone could ever wish for.
I have a lot to look forward to in a short amount of time. Tomorrow Dave and I ride to WV to meet up with some of the best and creative minds of our time...and partake in 'make your own pizza night' and nickel slots. Oh yeah, tomorrow will also be the first time I've ever really ridden a motorcycle.

The name says it all, but I like the idea of popping my life away one bubble at a time. I also love Cinqo de Mayo. I wonder if you can special order an all cinqo de mayo bubble calender?

My coworkers were kind enough to throw a potluck part in my honor. So much delicious food, so many sweet sweet treats.
Thoughts I've had while 'working':
1. You know how you can Snoopdoggify a word? (i.e. fo' shizzle) Well, you can't do that with the word 'dessert'.
2. I had the pleasure of hanging out with two people that I've never hung out with before: Hippie and Alicia (sorry if i misspelled those names) and I wish I had hung out with them more while I was here. Solid human beings are few and far between and they seem pretty awesome. Also, Hippie fixed my 'ped for a bag of fireworks. Great job!
3. My only regret while in Richmond has been that I played it too safe. I wish I hung out more. I think I focused too much on getting sleep and relaxing, and since I've been trying to fit as much into each day as possible lately I realized that I could have had even more fun. Oh well, live and learn. I guess from here on out I'll have to focus more on living life as hard as possible, with a reckless disregard for my own well-being. I'd like to get more fun, not less, as I 'grow up'.
4. You know how you go on a big trip and you just feel like you've forgotten something? I've felt like that for almost a month now. I may be going crazier.
5. Social filtration theory - I've only maintained a handful of relationships over the years and I'm thankful for the friends that I have and the friends that I've made recently. Even at a cubical job, I've met a handful of really amazing, colorful people that I hope to keep in touch with. Worst case scenario, I'll keep up with Paul B. just in case of an apocalypse of any kind (primarily zombie or mad max scenarios).
6. I appreciate the fact that my only 'regret' is not about something I've done, but about not doing enough. I have sold or given away most of my belongings and I am looking forward to living a harder/simpler life while doing more to help other human beings. I look forward to being scared, frustrated and less comfortable. I want more stories. I want to learn. I want more scars. I really feel like I'm in a great place right now.

It's difficult being a straight guy that likes to look good. Especially when it comes to 'manscaping' or trimming of the body hair. Let's face it, the male form is far less than graceful or beautiful than the female form. In fact, it is very awkwardly shaped when compared to the female body and in most cases, it is downright gross. So what's so bad about trying to make yourself look as good as you are able to?
Now, I understand that some women like a hairy dude...well, I don't understand it, but I've heard that that is true. Personally, if I get too hairy I feel gross and prefer how I feel neatly trimmed. It helps to provide a healthy self image and general sense of well being and I don't think that that should be reserved just for the gays.
But how far is too far?
Waxing - generally too far.
Nair/Veet - awesome but smelly
Shaving - great, economical, but be careful, you don't want to look like a 12 yr old boy.
The list goes on, but I prefer a trimming shears/shaving as well as a method I refer to as 'lighting yourself on fire'. I was doing that well before it was a Jackass stunt and its really not that bad. Let's think about the alternatives -skip if you don't want to be grossed out-
Burning hurts, but not as bad as waxing. It smells, but not as bad as Nair. Shaving can cause you to cut your skin on occasion. What happens if you get a cut near the butt? The risk of infection/disease/death far outweighs the reward of being trim. Did you ever think of why the butt is shaped like it is? Its to protect your butthole fom getting cut. Generally speaking, nothing is getting passed those cheeks. Also, that's why they call it 'butt', because it rhymes with 'cut', to remind you -Don't cut your butt.

Bid now

From the listing -
With some modifications someone could also turn this camper to an unique limousine. Just imagine a limousine with shower and bar trailer...and perhaps you could replace the sauna with jaguzzi! This camper would also be a potential movie vehicle or movie stunt car!

I just want to see what a jaguzzi is. I imagine it's a jacuzzi filled with jaguars.

Venetian Blind shirt
The string is not a print, but a real string, which you can pull to open the blinds. Suitable for the hot summer.

Emily has posted a ton of pics on her flickr.
This is the only one I found of my first ever bmx jump. There's some really good ones of Drew doing the same. My favorites are towards the end of the set when people had moved the ramp to the top level. A-mazing.

This is the Chinese Segway Death Squad.
Their real weapon is laughter.
Why are their guns so tiny?

From the article (funniest parts in bold, my comments in italics)-

Motorsport president Max Mosley denied in court today that he had been involved in a Nazi orgy, saying he could not think of anything less erotic.

"I can think of few things more unerotic than Nazi roleplay", said Mosley, president of the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA), the governing body for formula one.

Mosley is suing the News of the World for breach of privacy over allegations that he was involved in what the paper called a "sick Nazi orgy" with five prostitutes.

Mosley, 68-year-old son of 1930s fascist leader Sir Oswald Mosley, rejected any suggestion that the sadomasochistic roleplay had Nazi overtones, saying this had no appeal for him.

"All my life I had it hanging over me with the undercurrent from my parents and the last thing I would want to do is for that to enter my sexual life," Mosley told Mr Justice Eady in the high court in London.

Mosley, the FIA president since 1993, said the News of the World front-page story and website video had a "devastating" effect on his family.
Think about finding out that your dad had a nazi orgy and that there was a video of it online that your friends have probably seen.

"My wife and I have been married for more than 48 years and together more than 50 years since we were teenagers and she never knew this aspect of my life," Mosley said. I think that the Austrian guy that imprisoned/raped his daughter said the same thing.

"That headline in the News of the World was completely and utterly devastating for her and there was nothing I could say. I think I've talked my way out of worse.

"For my two sons, I don't think there is anything worse for a son to see in a newspaper article, especially in a newspaper like News of the World, the pictures they printed. I can think of nothing more undignified." True.

Mosley looked slightly uncomfortable as he was asked to explain sadomasochism (S&M) to the judge. He said that roleplay was an integral part of this because it provided a justification for the central activity of punishment.

"I fundamentally disagree with the suggestion that any of this is depraved or immoral. It's a perfectly harmless activity provided it's between consenting adults in private and nobody knows about it," he said.

Mosley said that people that practise this get used to the pain and for him it was preferable to jumping into a cold swimming pool.

He said it was "laughable" to say it was criminal given that society condones piercing and tattoos and violent sports.

"I think things of the nature being discussed here are completely outside the scope of my work."

Mosley said he would much prefer not to be in court discussing his sex life but he realised that was the price he had to pay for bringing an action.

Earlier, Mosley's lawyer James Price QC said the story was a "gross and indefensible intrusion" on the 68-year-old's private life.

Mr Price said the newspaper had made a "shocking and entirely false" suggestion that Mosley had played a concentration-camp commandant and a cowering death-camp inmate.

Sent from my boss to my coworkers just now-

As most of you already know, Jimi Foster’s last day here at ClearPoint is this Wednesday, July 9, 2008 . Jimi joined ClearPoint in December 2006 as a CSR and quickly moved to Telephone FS, then Internet FS. Jimi will be traveling around the world doing missionary work. Please join me in wishing him well.

Jimi, thank you for everything that you’ve done to educate and help our clients. You will be missed. Please keep in touch. :)

So I haven't had a chance to edit the photos from this weekend yet, but I uploaded them anyway.
The weekend started with going to see an Ultra Dolphins show at Nara Sushi with drew and chris. Nothing too eventful happened and the vocals weren't mic'd for them or Gull, but it was still a great show.
On the 4th we went to Hadad's Lake and I basically just drank and tried to do sweet tricks with Ward off of the rope swing. We were able to high five pretty awesomely, but when we tried to do an mid air hug it didn't end so well. It was pretty funny to be at the apex of the swing and hear Ward scream 'hug me!"
Eventually a hurricane rolled through and everyone hid under a Hadad's Hut. The pics are pretty great. We almost got kicked out when Eva scream really loud for no good reason and when Dave Drew and I started the chant "Oh - Shit - Oh - Shit - Oh - Shit."
We tried to party that night but the only thing we could find was a weird hot tub party in Oregon Hill. I think the beer in the hot tub caused it to foam up pretty bad. It was either that or the myriad of communicable diseases cooking together. Once someone caught the newly created super scurvy we left and got pizza from Krustys.
We had to call the owners cell phone because he had left work to go drink at a bar. He assured us that he could be back at the place and cook a pizza in 30 mins. An hour later we ate a burned, ameoba shaped pizza. The best part is that he said, 'I really appreciate you being so understanding about this taking so long , I'm going to give you a discount...normally the pizza is 11 but it'll only be 9 for you..." Keep in mind that there's a sign by the front door that says 'Large cheese pizza $10.'
Oh Richmond.

When you think of the 4th of July what do you think of? I think of Will Smith and the fact that he's dominated the box office 6 out of the last 10 independence days. I think of his incredible rise to stardom and most of all I think of his hit song 'Miami'.
I think about Jeff Goldblum and his role in saving earth one independence day in the fictional past. His knowledge of proprietary alien computer operating systems is astounding. Then I think of his role in the Big Chill and how some people are calling the new Friends movie the Big Chill of a new generation. Seriously, I know I've already posted about it, but that turd is going to be effing visual ipecac.
"Ladies half dressed fully equipped
And they be screamin out will we loved your last hit
So Im thinkin ima scoot me somethin hot
In this south sea merengue melting pot
Hottest club in the city and its right on the beach
Temperature get to ya its about to reach
Five hundred degrees
In the carribean seas with the hot mommies"

If for whatever reason i cant have an open casket ceremony because my death was caused by something that disfigured my face - put a mask on it!
I was thinking a black ski mask and a crowbar in my arms so it looks like i'm going to burgle death. A zombie mask would also be pretty funny, but maybe too easy. Oh! What about a Nixon or Reagan mask and a fake gun so it looks like i died during a daring bank heist a la Point Break. Face down is also an option. I doubt anyone would expect that
In addition, please hide a remote controlled fart machine in the casket. please. There should be a vote as to who in the room has the best comedic timing and they should have control over the remote. just make sure you try to see if you can hear it after i'm lowered into the ground. I'm sure my parents will find this wildly inappropriate, but I think that a funeral should be all about 'you' and I want a fart machine in my casket. Bonus points if you can get an ironically funny tshirt on me that says something all too appropriate like "who farted" or "Kill em all and let God sort em out." Hmmm, maybe that one is going too far?
While we're on the subject, I want someone to play an acoustic or piano version of Motley Crue's Home Sweet Home during the service. I think that would be beautiful.

This is from an Artist named Blu who does street murals, primarily in Buenos Aires, Argentina. It is seriously one of the best videos I've seen in a while. I promise you will be impressed.




MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

This might be too easy because it's on the outside of my favorite pho restaurant, but when I saw it I thought of cantypesandwich and thought I should post it.

Apparently, due to the success of the Sex in the City 'movie', they are releasing a friends movie -wait for it - within 18 months.
I am so excited that there will be a friends movie, but please do not fast track it! I don't want to lose quality as a result of America's need for instant gratification. 18 months?!? That, I say, is not nearly enough time to write a screenplay that is going to really capture the complexities of each character, much less Chandlers delightful wit. Or what about how they've all changed now that they are all 40-50 years old.
I say this idea needs to steep and the writers should really flesh out every little detail and then try to make the best movie ever. The downside is that that might take a good 10-15 years. Oh! The upside would be that the worst writers in hollywood would be occupied for 10-15 years, and the actors would not take any more jobs 'just in case.'
Also, after receiving criticism that the show featured no black people whatsoever, they are creating a new character who will be played by whoopi goldberg.
Hurray for Hollywood!

The Fly is being performed as an opera? Hell yeah it is!
From the article in the washington post:

The new incarnation, with tenor Placido Domingo conducting a score by Oscar-winning composer Howard Shore ("The Lord of the Rings"), isn't as gory as the movie. Audiences will be spared close-ups of the title character's fingernails falling off as he makes the transition from mild-mannered scientist to giant insect.

Still, for an opera, it's pretty scary _ even if there are touches of dark humor. Giggles broke out among those invited to Monday's dress rehearsal when a mezzo-soprano belted out the film's catchphrase: "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

Cronenberg, who is directing the opera, wasn't sure what effect it would have.

"Someone's 6-year-old said, after seeing one of our rehearsals, that she thought she would have to sleep with her parents for a while," he told reporters. "So I guess it's working."

Too bad it's in Paris only right now.

For those of you not in the know, you can get cool looking designs on metal by 'laser etching' it, as seen in the photo. Well apparently some people were dumb enough to figure out that if you replaced 'metal' with 'skin' you can brand yourself with whatever 'cool looking design' you and your drunk ass friends come up with.

Or: How I Learned to Live on a Nonprofit Salary

By James Foster

Note: Since I am currently a financial specialist I end up reading a lot of stupid articles about 'tips to save money.' So I decided to start writing my own. This is actually modeled after an article that I read.

During difficult economic times a great adage to live by is, “It’s not what you make, it’s what you spend.” As the cost of basic necessities skyrocket there is an increased need to save every penny. Through years of living frugally I have developed many tips for consumers to save money by spending much less of it. I call my ethically challenged program for saving the ‘Turbo X-Treme’ savings plan.

1. Groceries
This is one of the most important areas in the Turbo X-Treme savings plan. Everyone needs to eat, but with the cost of wheat, rice, flour, etc going through the roof in the last few months it has become increasingly difficult.
One great way to save money on food is to use the ‘self checkout’ counter at grocery stores. You will be surprised that no one notices if you ring up all produce as ‘Bananas’. This tip can also be used if you are buying large quantities of a product. For example, if you are buying 10 cans of tuna, get one can of generic cheap tuna and nine cans of quality solid white albacore. Thanks to the lower mercury levels, your wallet and kidney will thank you.
Another great tip is dumpsters. What do you think happens with all that bread the day after it is baked? Thanks to bagel places dumping all of their bagels at once, in a separate bag, at the end of the day, you can feed a family of 12 breakfast for a solid month! Now that’s what I call savings!
You could also take a part time job as a restaurant dishwasher. The work is hard, but rewarding. Since people tend to be more civilized at restaurants, the food is eaten with utensils. That means that food is rarely bit into directly, that means less of a chance of hepatitis! Not only that, but you usually get a shift meal at a restaurant, and if not, the cooks will generally take pity on you for cleaning up the vomit in the bathroom last night.
Buffets are also a great bargain if you bring Tupperware and a large bag.
2. Retail
Go without. Quit being a slave to consumerism. Do you really need a new car? Cellphone? Purse? Shoes? Probably not. Ever wonder how the guy that works at subway is able to survive on such little pay and still send money to his family overseas to support them? Its because he doesn’t waste his money on a new Ipod. He isn’t building up credit card debt buying things he doesn’t need either. He’s spending half of his paycheck on bills and the other half goes to his family. I know it’s possible, because he’s doing it. Your problem is that you sit in front of Deal or No Deal every night and become brainwashed by the commercials into thinking that you need a new product to make your life better.
If you can’t be happy with what you have, here’s a tip: UPC codes are used by most retailers, and with quality printers accessible to so many, it is very easy to print your own. All codes for the US and Canada can be found at: http://upcmachine.com/. Using that knowledge and some adhesive can go a long way in saving you money. Watch out for video cameras while doing this as it is usually frowned upon, regardless of economic downturns. Also, be realistic. If everything you buy is .99, including that Iphone, people will start to wonder.
3. Automobiles
Sell 'em. Buy a bike and/or moped. You will get into shape and learn how to work on two-stroke engines. You live a sedentary lifestyle, get out of your comfort zone and ride a bike. If you are too out of shape to ride a bike, walk. If you’re too out of shape to walk all the way to work, or live too far away, walk to the bus stop. Calculate how much you spend on a car each year. Could you find a job closer to your house? Even if you take a pay cut to work within walking distance to your house, your may still come out ahead if you don’t have the expense of a car.
What about emergency situations where I might need a car? This is where being kind and personable helps to save you money. If you are a good person that helps others, you will find people are usually there to help you. The more friends you have, the more likely you will have help when you need it. A strong sense of community can save you a lot of money in the long run. Catch a ride with people to the grocery store or call someone to drop you off at a hospital.

Last night I had an enjoyable impromptu fake date with my friend Krysta. I had asked her if she wanted to go to my friend Paul's wife's book release party. I had asked my boss if she wanted to accompany me and she shot me down. It made sense to ask Krysta since she not only provides enjoyable company and knows Paul, but lives near the bookstore. Proximity has always played some sort of role in all my relationships...I guess that's true of everyone though...I am always a fan of less proximity and more haptics. Whaddup!
Anyway, so after the book social we went to a new Dominican restaurant on a whim. The entire situation was humorous for multiple reasons: 1. she is dressed up and I am wearing a white v-neck undershirt and gray jeans 2. the restaurant is full on both sides and we get seated right in the middle of the restaurant 3. the food runner was wearing scrubs.
There were no vegetarian options except for sweet fried plantains and cheese in the appetizers, so we ordered them and fried codfritters because neither of us knew what it was. we decided to split the appetizer and entree to save room for some tres leche cake. The service was terribly slow, but I assume it was a result of a large group sitting near us and only one waitress for the entire place. What the appetizer lacked in flavor it made up for in grease. When the entree came out it looked like it might be good so Krysta took a huge bite and immediately had the worst look on her face. I ate some and I thought it wasn't great but not that bad...but then it got saltier as I ate it. Usually things are salty or not salty, but this went from really salty to super gross salty pretty quickly in my mouth. Krysta almost couldn't swallow it and then from that point on she just ate plain rice. I did my best to eat the entire portion of one of the worst things I've ever eaten because I felt that it was my fault for ordering it, and maybe it was supposed to taste this way. Now that I think of it, it wasn't fried at all. Also, keep in mind, the waitress never brought out separate plates for us so we were eating off of one plate in the middle of the table the entire time. Basically we looked like one of those couples that feels the need to repulse everyone by sitting on the same side of the table or booth. The funny thing is that I had a similar experience with Chris last week by accident at a nice Italian restaurant. Anyway, I still dont know why that guy was wearing scrubs unless they're the cheapest clothes possible -the other alternatives are pretty gross. Also, they were out of tres leche cake. So my opinion - unless you like mofongo with pork chunks don't eat at Papa Ningo downtown.
When I dropped Krysta off it was still daylight and I got a kiss on the cheek. Then I went home and listened to my favorite radio serials, blew out the candle and fell asleep dreaming of better meals.

I was reading an article about Pipilotti Rist this morning. She's a swedish video artist that does super 8 films. She has a son named Himilaya and teaches at UCLA. Her wiki has links to some of her films, which are beautiful, simple, and pretty amazing. They are very happy and give you the sensation of playing katamari demacy.
Anyway, her site is particularly fun, especially with headphones as fun images are all over the screen and she whispers 'you are king' in your ears. It's free and it's art, check her out.

Barb has had some choice postings lately. Also, her flickr link is up so you can see her. For those not in the know - this is a woman I don't know, I've never met, but for no good reason I read her blog and follow her 'life'. The link to her site is on the right.

From today-

Wuv...twu wuv

I've done the online dating thing off and on through the years, with limited success. (And that limited success is far more success than I've had in meeting guys through more organic means, so...) Maybe once a year, I'll decide to give it a go, and I might get a few dates out of it, and then unsubscribe and continue my hermit-like, tragic spinster ways.
Anyway, I'm going through another round, fairly unsuccessfully. I did get a match that interested me, and went through a couple rounds of questions and such. It's been a few days since I last heard from him, so I went to the website and saw that he had closed the match ("Pursuing another relationship"). And I was actually a bit bummed, which is rare.
His loss, I guess, though a lot of what he had in his profile resonated with me. Plus, his name is Ken, so obvy we were Meant To Be! (Or "Meat To Be," which is what I typed first. Hee.) I guess I'll just have to assume that tonight I'm going to meet my True Love at the O's game. He'll be bowled over by my fandom and mad scorekeeping skillz.

Liveblogging 1.0 -
Right now, two male co-workers are standing around my cube with so little to do that they are just watching me blog. What's more pathetic thank liveblogging a conversation? Watching a guy liveblog a conversation.

Is there a blog from a 7-11 clerks point of view? I bet it would be a pretty great blog if is was run my someone clever/funny/dashingly handsome. Anyway, I was just in 7-11 and I got stuck behind two lottery players. This is a subculture I want to know more about. By it's nature it attracts those low on the socioeconomic scale and worsens those already battling addictions. I'm not talking about your mom getting a scratch off at the grocery store because she was 'feeling lucky'. I'm talking about the hard core users. The people, like the two women in front of me, spend hours at a 7-11 playing every type of lottery there is. I believe they refer to it as 'diversifying funds.' Is there a documentary about this somewhere? These women, who were in their 50's and 70's respectively (not each one at the same time a la john claude van damme timecop style), were dropping so much slang it was comical.
"Magic pick three tonight? No? Magic 5? Ok then, let me get 2 simple pinks and what's the latest out? ok, 5 of the crazy 7s"
Then I bought a Slurpee with change I found in my car because I didn't have my wallet.

Magic Mushrooms Have Long Lasting Benefits
NEW YORK - In 2002, at a Johns Hopkins University laboratory, a business consultant named Dede Osborn took a psychedelic drug as part of a research project. She felt like she was taking off. She saw colors..."I feel more centered in who I am and what I'm doing," said Osborn, now 66, of Providence, R.I. "I don't seem to have those self-doubts like I used to have. I feel much more grounded (and feel that) we are all connected."...
Scientists reported Tuesday that when they surveyed volunteers 14 months after they took the drug, most said they were still feeling and behaving better because of the experience.Two-thirds of them also said the drug had produced one of the five most spiritually significant experiences they'd ever had...
Fourteen months after taking the drug, 64 percent of the volunteers said they still felt at least a moderate increase in well-being or life satisfaction, in terms of things like feeling more creative, self-confident, flexible and optimistic. And 61 percent reported at least a moderate behavior change in what they considered positive ways...

BUT - Here's my favorite part -

"...that despite the spiritual characteristics reported for the drug experiences, the study says nothing about whether God exists."

Discuss.

So we end up at Niles' house and are immediately told that all guys are not allowed to wear pants. For no good reason everyone complies with this request/demand. We basically sat around and watched Bad Brains music videos until mean scenester girl discloses the fact that she has Kip Winger's phone number. Niles really wants to call the lead singer to the glam metal band Winger. Mean scenester girl keeps telling him that if he calls it better be funny and he better not ruin it for her because she wants to call Kip Winger later. Niles seems to ignore this for the most part and it looks like he has nothing at all and that he is, in fact, 'winging it.' Which is where the term actually came from, Kip's impromptu perfomances were later coined as 'winging it'. Anyway, Niles put on the speakerphone and everyone could hear it ring, then go to voicemail - "Hey, this is Kip, leave a message."
Niles - "Hey Kip Winger, lead singer of Winger, this is Niles Piles, lead singer of the Crocodiles, and I was wondering if you wanted to open up for my band. Anyway, if you're interested give me a call at 1-800-MAKEOUTWITHADUDE." Click.
While some details are left out, people mostly just went to sleep. Chris slept on the couch at Niles, woke up and had awkard conversation with Niles' mean roommate, who was not stoked on having a random guy sleeping on the couch. Then Chris calls me to find out how to get to where I am and to inform me that he has lost his shirt somehow. I tell him that he definitely had it when we left the bar, so it has to be at that house. He never found it and had to walk a couple blocks through Baltimore topless with giant, white, dollar store sunglasses on.
Krysta still wasn't feeling great and neither was Alison, but after a delicious breakfast everyone was right as rain. The rest of the day consisted of us driving around the suburbs looking for snowball stands. I had my fill of snowballs that day and at 5pm Krysta, Chris and I started our drive home, exactly 24 hours after we arrived.
During the car ride we got so hungry that we decided to stop at Cracker Barrel. This started as a joke, but let me say, you get so much food for 9 dollars its amazing. The atmosphere is sad, and there are dangerous tools and weapons hanging all over, but you can get nothing but vegetable sides if you want, unlimited sweet tea, and then put syrup and butter on them biscuits...amazing. Also, perhaps the perfect finish to a delightfully odd 24 hour road trip.
Thanks to all who were involved for keeping it so real the entire time. I'm glad I have friends that are okay with spending a day doing nothing but eating snowballs.

Thanks to TJ for this one:

This was the signature on an email from one of my clients, which confused me to no end:

Esther F. Watts
a.k.a. Bonnie