Hamburger(Hotdog)

Let's get personal.
I dont think i've been this conflicted since i graduated college.
I'm leaving in 2 days to go back to a third world country where I barely make enough money to survive and where my social life isn't complex(?) as it is here in the states. i'm saying goodbye to friends i've had for most of my life again, and this time its more bitter than sweet for some reason. i question how much i'm really accomplishing by being there and what i might accomplish by being here.
life seems to be a personal balancing act between 'fun/adventure' and 'safety/security.' Some people lean more toward 'safety/security' and get just enough 'fun/adventure' to be able to have something to talk about at the office monday morning. Then there's the opposite, the kids that live in squats in portland or rhode island, surviving on the excess of society.
I feel like I just ride the fence. my lack of commitment, or as i like to call it, my desire for complete and total freedom, has existed for so long i'm not sure I even know how to 'settle down'. I've always figured i'd cross that bridge when i got to it, but i have no idea if i'll ever know when i get to the bridge, or if it even exists.
i remember approaching graduating with a great deal of dread, which stemmed from everything everyone had ever told me about 'the real world'. I didnt know how i was going to support myself in 'the real world' or how to do a lot of the basic 'adult' things, like ironing. i eventually found out that the real world doesn't exist unless you want it to, or have a kid, and if you put a shirt in the dryer for a minute then wear it, its good enough.
'life is what you make it' is a pretty solid bumper sticker way to live life, but what happens when you don't know what to make?
Looking back on it, i know i've made a lot of great things happen and i've had an amazing life, but now its like i'm at a restaurant, i can't read the menu, and i'm asking everyone what they're ordering so i can get some sort of clue as to what i want. i'm also finding out that i'm not alone. very few people seem to know what to order, are just looking for a cause to fight for, or gave up long ago.
i try to focus on being happy with everything i'm dealt in life, but the problem with that is that it breeds apathy. I remember mediating on 'it's only when you see everything in life as banana peels that you will truly be happy'. it made a lot of sense at the time and provided a great deal of peace. i believe its true that our pain and sorrow stems from our wants and desires, but can happiness really come from a lack of wants and desires? I'm starting to think that a world made out of banana peels is pretty busted.
My fear is that if i commit to a place, a person, a job, that i cut myself off from all other options, thereby robbing myself of freedom. A lack of movement is an idicator of death. obviously, it seems like this sentiment is overly dramatic, but you only get one life and my youth is not something i want to waste. although, according to some, that ship has sailed and i just need to grow up.
So do I move back to the states and settle into a place for a few years, or do I keep traveling alone? Is there a middle ground?
'its about who you know' - traditionally applies to nepotism, but i think it holds true for all of life. The most valuable thing i have is my relationships with friends and family. I honestly believe that i have the most subjectively perfect friends/family and i would do anything for any of them. so maybe its not about where i am, but who i'm with and who i truly 'know'.
I've always said that richmond will be there when i get back, but if history is any indicator, i think that applies more to the pyramids.

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